What Our Judgments Say About Us

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One of my 2016 goals is to read, read, read, anything and everything. I love fiction, but I also want to read more psychology & social work books, plus those soul-lifting, spiritually-awakening – okay, “self-help” – books.

I’m about halfway through Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly, a popular book (based off a popular TED Talk) about being vulnerable and building shame resilience, and I’ve been underlining like a mad woman. It really is a great book, very easy to read and sprinkled with entertaining anecdotes and a whole lotta wisdom.

Something really stood out to me in the chapter I read today. Brene writes,

“[R]esearch tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing.”

The statement is quick and it’s simple, but it got me thinking. I would love to sit here and say that I have never spoken a negative word about anyone, but we’d both know that that’s a lie. Oh, I really, really wish it weren’t, and you better believe I’m trying to cut bad-talk from my life, but humans aren’t perfect (Right? Please? It’s not just me??).

So I tried to think about the times I remember that I have spoken badly about someone. What specifically did I judge?

Think about it. When you hear yourself talk bad about someone else, what are you judging specifically? From my experience, people tend to say negative statements that judge others most on their:

• Physical appearance
• Career
• Relationship
• Money
• Knowledge
• Parenting

When you say something or think something negative about someone, take a moment to stop and notice what it is that you just judged. Then, take a moment to consider that particular area in your own life. According to that Daring Greatly quote up there, you might realize that you have some shame happening in that area of your own life.

Working with clients, I really emphasize the importance of being aware of what’s going on in our heads. Awareness doesn’t always bring solutions, but it does get you a step toward understanding. Once we understand, we can be gentler towards ourselves – and then, find solutions in an empathetic, self-compassionate way.

If you’re like me, you really, really hate it when you catch yourself thinking or saying something bad about someone. I’ve just found that it doesn’t do any good – it doesn’t make me feel better at all, just guiltier. But again, with the theme of being gentle to ourselves, I think we can take this quote and make it something positive.

So how about this:

Next time you say something or think something judgmental about someone else, take a moment to pause.

Do your best to ‘categorize’ your judgment (ie. Was your statement about another person’s relationship? Career? Looks?).

Reflect on that category of your own life. Are you satisfied with it? (Really. Are you?)

CHANGE or ACCEPT: either make a plan to take one small step toward increasing your life satisfaction in that category, OR take a deep breath and practice acceptance of your personal situation.

I like this strategy because it turns the negative action of gossiping or negative thinking and turns it into a positive step toward changing or accepting your life circumstances.

What do you think – can we turn our negative thinking into motivation and/or acceptance in 2016?

P.S. If you like reading and stalking what other people are reading (like I do), follow me on Goodreads!

2016: New Year, New Goals

There’s nothing like the beginning of a new year for me. Honestly, I get giddy at the thought of all of the possibilities ahead. A fresh year, an untainted start, a chance to achieve something that makes me proud and makes me better.

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It doesn’t matter if it’s January 1st or not, but I like the excuse of it – all of the articles that start popping up about goal-setting and self-improvement, and the buzz of optimism in friends, family, and, maybe even for once, the feared and dreaded “comment section.”

My main goal for 2016 is to practice intentional self-care every single day. I know myself, and I know it would be way too ambitious to set a goal for an hour of self-care a day or something.

Sometimes I’m too busy, and sometimes I’m honestly just in a bad mood. When making my 2016 goals, I want to plan for those days and be gentle with myself, allowing some room for flexibility and flow.

I want to practice self-care in some way every day, and that can range from anywhere between ten minutes to a whole entire day.

This year, I also want to find a fitness plan that works for me. I am all about mental health (which is hopefully clear by now??) but I have admittedly fallen short of taking care of my physical health. I don’t struggle with illness or with my weight and I’ve never been very into sports, so I think I’ve just never really had a reason to commit to fitness. I know that working out is still incredibly beneficial for increasing mood, and I want my insides to be strong and healthy. This year, I want to incorporate working out into my self-care routine, and find a form of exercise that fits my preferences and lifestyle.

As for some smaller (but still very important!) goals, this year I’d like to:

• Read 15 books
• Be a guest blogger for 2 websites
• Continue posting to Morning Wellness twice a week
• Maintain a weekly budget
• Learn about nutrition & create more balanced meals
• Visit a city I’ve never seen

I know that, in order to actually achieve these goals, I need to be all about preparation, habit cultivation, and developing routines. If I get lazy after work and waste time on my phone laying around, I won’t be able to follow through – and sometimes it’s really hard not to get lazy! I’m hoping that my previous posts about making SMART goals and creating a self-care calendar will help me stay on track.

So now it’s your turn (because I genuinely do want to hear it)…what are your 2016 goals? And does anyone have any tips about staying motivated to work out? I think that one will be my biggest challenge!

2016: New Year, New Goals

ashleyelladesign.com

There’s nothing like the beginning of a new year for me. Honestly, I get giddy at the thought of all of the possibilities ahead. A fresh year, an untainted start, a chance to achieve something that makes me proud and makes me better.

It doesn’t matter if it’s January 1^st or not, but I like the excuse of it – all of the articles that start popping up about goal-setting and self-improvement, and the buzz of optimism in friends, family, and, maybe even for once, the feared and dreaded “comment section.”

My main goal for 2016 is to practice intentional self-care every single day. I know myself, and I know it would be way too ambitious to set a goal for an hour of self-care a day or something.

Sometimes I’m too busy, and sometimes I’m honestly just in a bad mood. When making my 2016 goals, I want to plan for those days and be gentle with myself, allowing some room for flexibility and flow.

I want to practice self-care in some way every day, and that can range from anywhere between ten minutes to a whole entire day.

This year, I also want to find a fitness plan that works for me. I am all about mental health (which is hopefully clear by now??) but I have admittedly fallen short of taking care of my physical health. I don’t struggle with illness or with my weight and I’ve never been very into sports, so I think I’ve just never really had a reason to commit to fitness. I know that working out is still incredibly beneficial for increasing mood, and I want my insides to be strong and healthy. This year, I want to incorporate working out into my self-care routine, and find a form of exercise that fits my preferences and lifestyle.

As for some smaller (but still very important!) goals, this year I’d like to:

• Read 15 books
• Be a guest blogger for 2 websites
• Continue posting to Morning Wellness twice a week
• Maintain a weekly budget
• Learn about nutrition & create more balanced meals
• Visit a city I’ve never seen

I know that, in order to actually achieve these goals, I need to be all about preparation, habit cultivation, and developing routines. If I get lazy after work and waste time on my phone laying around, I won’t be able to follow through – and sometimes it’s really hard not to get lazy! I’m hoping that my previous posts about making SMART goals and creating a self-care calendar will help me stay on track.

So now it’s your turn (because I genuinely do want to hear it)…what are your 2016 goals? And does anyone have any tips about staying motivated to work out? I think that one will be my biggest challenge!

How I Self-Cared in December

I thought it’d be fun to start doing a monthly round-up of things I’ve been enjoying lately…putting my self-care practices out there for you all to see, as a sort of double-edged inspiration sword. It’ll help put the pressure on me to stay on top of my self-care, and hopefully inspire you to do the same! So here we go: how I self-cared in December.

SEE

BROOKLYN, from left: Emory Cohen, Saoirse Ronan, 2015. ph: Kerry Brown/TM and ©Copyright Fox

I feel like this was such a great month for my eyeballs. Earlier this month I saw Brooklyn, a predicted Oscar frontrunner about an Irish immigrant torn between the old and the new – the familiar and the exciting. I thought this was going to be a Nicholas Sparks-type cheesy romance and I honestly didn’t really want to see it, but I was stunned by its gripping beauty. I was incredibly invested the whole time and crying for half of it.

I also loved the series finale of Fargo, a miniseries that closed its second season on FX this month. This is not for the lighthearted; sooo violent, ahhh. I admittedly had to close my eyes at least once every episode, but it felt worth it – the story surrounds so many interesting characters, from members of two very different gangs, a small town Midwestern couple that can only be described as the image that comes into your head when you hear the word “folks,” and a noble police force just trying to do some good. Really exciting series making thought provoking comments on family dynamics, race, and always wanting more.

And of course, Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Seriously great action movie, and I hasn’t seen any Star Wars movies til like a month ago. Not much to say about this one except go see it – all the great things you’re hearing about it are true.

HEAR

December marked the return of super popular, super addicting podcast, Serial! The second season follows Bowe Bergdahl, a United States soldier who fled his post in Afghanistan in 2009 and was captured and held by the Taliban for 5 years. He was returned to the U.S., but not without some controversy (and mystery). The first season of Serial frustrated me at times, but I ultimately think of it fondly. I am really curious to hear how this more culturally relevant and politically topical season will progress.

DO

Being home means reuniting with my best friend! She found this really cute tutorial for making monogrammed clay keychains. This was a great little gift for some loved ones in my life, and it was fun! Really pretty stress-relieving, to be honest. Getting into a craft can be the perfect healthy distraction when you aren’t feeling the best. We found all the supplies easily at Michael’s craft store.

And of course, I’m working away at Johanna Basford’s Secret Garden adult coloring book. This thing is no joke!! Her illustrations are incredibly detailed and just really, really beautiful. I’ve liked sitting down to color while watching TV, talking to a friend, or just sitting in silence. You really get wrapped up in the coloring and it becomes almost meditative. This is great for creativity and stress relief – even for the non-artist!

I wanna hear yours! How have you been self-caring in December? And what are your self-care plans for January?

How I Self-Cared in December

I thought it’d be fun to start doing a monthly round-up of things I’ve been enjoying lately…putting my self-care practices out there for you all to see, as a sort of double-edged inspiration sword. It’ll help put the pressure on me to stay on top of my self-care, and hopefully inspire you to do the same! So here we go: how I self-cared in December.

SEE

BROOKLYN, from left: Emory Cohen, Saoirse Ronan, 2015. ph: Kerry Brown/TM and ©Copyright Fox Searchlight Pictures. All rights reserved./Courtesy Everett Collection

I feel like this was such a great month for my eyeballs. Earlier this month I saw Brooklyn, a predicted Oscar frontrunner about an Irish immigrant torn between the old and the new – the familiar and the exciting. I thought this was going to be a Nicholas Sparks-type cheesy romance and I honestly didn’t really want to see it, but I was stunned by its gripping beauty. I was incredibly invested the whole time and crying for half of it.

I also loved the series finale of Fargo, a miniseries that closed its second season on FX this month. This is not for the lighthearted; sooo violent, ahhh. I admittedly had to close my eyes at least once every episode, but it felt worth it – the story surrounds so many interesting characters, from members of two very different gangs, a small town Midwestern couple that can only be described as the image that comes into your head when you hear the word “folks,” and a noble police force just trying to do some good. Really exciting series making thought provoking comments on family dynamics, race, and always wanting more.

And of course, Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Seriously great action movie, and I hasn’t seen any Star Wars movies til like a month ago. Not much to say about this one except go see it – all the great things you’re hearing about it are true.

HEAR

December marked the return of super popular, super addicting podcast, Serial! The second season follows Bowe Bergdahl, a United States soldier who fled his post in Afghanistan in 2009 and was captured and held by the Taliban for 5 years. He was returned to the U.S., but not without some controversy (and mystery). The first season of Serial frustrated me at times, but I ultimately think of it fondly. I am really curious to hear how this more culturally relevant and politically topical season will progress.

DO

Being home means reuniting with my best friend! She found this really cute tutorial for making monogrammed clay keychains. This was a great little gift for some loved ones in my life, and it was fun! Really pretty stress-relieving, to be honest. Getting into a craft can be the perfect healthy distraction when you aren’t feeling the best. We found all the supplies easily at Michael’s craft store.

Photo from Johanna Basford’s Secret Garden coloring book

And of course, I’m working away at Johanna Basford’s Secret Garden adult coloring book. This thing is no joke!! Her illustrations are incredibly detailed and just really, really beautiful. I’ve liked sitting down to color while watching TV, talking to a friend, or just sitting in silence. You really get wrapped up in the coloring and it becomes almost meditative. This is great for creativity and stress relief – even for the non-artist!

I wanna hear yours! How have you been self-caring in December? And what are your self-care plans for January?

Identity, Blogging, and How They Tie Together

This post is maybe going to be too meta – blogging about blogging – but I want to stay real with you guys and write about what’s been going on in this little old mind of mine.

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Blogging has been a really eye-opening, interesting experience for me. First off, it’s challenged me to really get vulnerable…to put myself out there for anyone in the world to mock or laugh at or disagree with. To throw myself into this idea that has every possibility of failing. To put a bunch of work into something that could be read by zero people. To not know if this whole thing is doing good for you, or for me.

It’s also taught me a lot about me. Just like, me, in general. I’ve had to think a lot about the design of the blog, what I will write about, what pictures I’ll use, how I’ll advertise and where, how personal is too personal and how professional is too professional. In an effort to draw people to my blog, I have to think about what draws me to other peoples’ blogs, and why those blogs appeal to me. I have to think about my values – what I deem important to write about and what just isn’t.

It’s like some big, internal puzzle I’m trying to solve. Trying to define the pieces of me and how they fit into the pieces of you. Maintaining an authentic voice has always been important to me – but what even is my authentic voice? There’s the Lindsey that loves comedy and goofiness and the Lindsey that loves to be a professional go-getter and the Lindsey that loves to read great literature and write like a wannabe classic author. When you have so many voices, which do you use? And how can you possibly convey to your audience of strangers that each voice is truly authentic?

It’s given my longing for creativity a new meaning. It’s shown me that creative projects are always going to be worth it, whether they are good or bad or loved by everyone or hated by anyone. Either way, my creative projects will always teach me something about myself. They’ll help shape and define my idea of who I am and what I like and what I find important.

I’m pretty sure that’s always worth it.

Identity, Blogging, and How They Tie Together

ashleyelladesign.com

This post is maybe going to be too meta – blogging about blogging – but I want to stay real with you guys and write about what’s been going on in this little old mind of mine.

Blogging has been a really eye-opening, interesting experience for me. First off, it’s challenged me to really get vulnerable…to put myself out there for anyone in the world to mock or laugh at or disagree with. To throw myself into this idea that has every possibility of failing. To put a bunch of work into something that could be read by zero people. To not know if this whole thing is doing good for you, or for me.

It’s also taught me a lot about me. Just like, me, in general. I’ve had to think a lot about the design of the blog, what I will write about, what pictures I’ll use, how I’ll advertise and where, how personal is too personal and how professional is too professional. In an effort to draw people to my blog, I have to think about what draws me to other peoples’ blogs, and why those blogs appeal to me. I have to think about my values – what I deem important to write about and what just isn’t.

It’s like some big, internal puzzle I’m trying to solve. Trying to define the pieces of me and how they fit into the pieces of you. Maintaining an authentic voice has always been important to me – but what even is my authentic voice? There’s the Lindsey that loves comedy and goofiness and the Lindsey that loves to be a professional go-getter and the Lindsey that loves to read great literature and write like a wannabe classic author. When you have so many voices, which do you use? And how can you possibly convey to your audience of strangers that each voice is truly authentic?

It’s given my longing for creativity a new meaning. It’s shown me that creative projects are always going to be worth it, whether they are good or bad or loved by everyone or hated by anyone. Either way, my creative projects will always teach me something about myself. They’ll help shape and define my idea of who I am and what I like and what I find important.

I’m pretty sure that’s always worth it.

Home for the Holidays

On Friday, I watched through the window as my plane descended into Chicago and the treetops got bigger and the car headlights became more than just a blur. The most wonderful part about flying home in December (amidst the fears of snow-provoked flight delays and lost luggage) is seeing the colored Christmas lights strung up along rooftops.

pexels.com

There’s something about being home. That place of familiarity and nostalgia, and the memories of excitement and angst and fear and hope that binds you to it, forever I’d think. Remembering those nights laying in your bed and daydreaming about where you’d be when you were 25, and now that’s a few months away, and the ways that things worked out and they also didn’t.

I took a Family Therapy class in social work school and my professor asked anyone in the class to raise their hand if they thought they had a functional family. No one did. Visiting home for the holidays can be a big point of stress for people, because maybe they have what they consider to be a dysfunctional family. Maybe we all do in some ways.

But maybe coming home isn’t about fixing anything. Not about fixing your family and their ‘bad’ habits, not about editing your old high school dreams to fit the life you ended up with, not about proving to your hometown friends that everything ended up perfect for you.

Maybe it’s simply about sitting with it all and accepting it.

This year, as I surround myself with memories of my past and the people in it, I will be patient. I will be empathetic. I will be accepting – of my family, of my home, of myself.

Home for the Holidays

pexels.com

On Friday, I watched through the window as my plane descended into Chicago and the treetops got bigger and the car headlights became more than just a blur. The most wonderful part about flying home in December (amidst the fears of snow-provoked flight delays and lost luggage) is seeing the colored Christmas lights strung up along rooftops.

There’s something about being home. That place of familiarity and nostalgia, and the memories of excitement and angst and fear and hope that binds you to it, forever I’d think. Remembering those nights laying in your bed and daydreaming about where you’d be when you were 25, and now that’s a few months away, and the ways that things worked out and they also didn’t.

I took a Family Therapy class in social work school and my professor asked anyone in the class to raise their hand if they thought they had a functional family. No one did. Visiting home for the holidays can be a big point of stress for people, because maybe they have what they consider to be a dysfunctional family. Maybe we all do in some ways.

But maybe coming home isn’t about fixing anything. Not about fixing your family and their ‘bad’ habits, not about editing your old high school dreams to fit the life you ended up with, not about proving to your hometown friends that everything ended up perfect for you.

Maybe it’s simply about sitting with it all and accepting it.

This year, as I surround myself with memories of my past and the people in it, I will be patient. I will be empathetic. I will be accepting – of my family, of my home, of myself.

Facing Fear: A How-To Guide

At the end of this week, I’m getting on a plane home to Chicago for the holidays. I love going home – I am constantly missing my sisters, parents, friends, and old familiar suburban sights – but I hate getting there.

deathtothestockphoto.com

Having a fear of flying is pretty common. 20 – 30% of people get nervous about flying (which is somehow not as comforting as I wish it was). Further, 6.5% are so afraid of flying that they are entirely unable to get on a plane, and their fear can be classified as a genuine phobia.

I feel fortunate that I don’t have a true phobia of flying, though I do get very, very anxious about it. If you’re dealing with a true phobia of anything, I’d recommend finding a therapist who specializes in dealing with phobias, anxiety, and/or panic attacks. For readers who are not quite phobic but still driven totally nuts by situational anxiety, check out these tips for managing it:

Don’t be embarrassed.

Sometimes we have fears that are “normal,” like fears of flying or germs. And other times, we might have fears that don’t feel as normal. Someone close to me has a fear of vomiting, which is actuallypretty common, but lots of people have no idea it exists. Whether you think your fear is “normal” or not, don’t make the mistake of being too ashamed to tell anyone. Keeping all that anxiety bottled up secretly will only make you feel worse. Support from family and friends might not be your cure, but it’ll sure be helpful. Also – there are 7 billion people in the world. I promise, you aren’t the only one with this fear.

Educate yourself with facts.

Compare and contrast your fears with the facts. Googling facts about flying has actually been so helpful. I learned all about how many planes take off in a day vs. how many of them get into accidents. I learned what turbulence was and why it isn’t as scary as it feels. I learned that you are more likely to die being stung by a bee than you are in an aviation accident! Reading up on facts and noticing how they didn’t at all correlate with my fears really helped ease my anxiety.

Focus on the big picture.

We’ve got one life to live! If you’re reading this blog, I’m guessing you’re interested in living your life to your fullest potential and becoming your best you. Fears hold us back from our full potential. It helps me to think about how sad I’d be if I didn’t get to do things that are important to me, like see my family or visit new parts of the world, just because I’m afraid. We all deserve better than limiting our potential because of our fears.

Make yourself comfortable.

When you finally decide to take the plunge and face that fear that makes your insides twist, find a way to make it as painless as possible. While you are confronting the fear (or preparing for it), listen to music you like. Treat yourself to a good meal. Call your best friend and get some support. For me, I learned that flying is much less scary if I distract myself with watching TV shows, so I always make sure to bring my fully charged computer loaded with videos onto the plane.

Maybe still get therapy.

Phobias, fears, and anxieties often don’t have a simple explanation. Sure, I’m afraid of flying. But why? What about it is so terrifying to me? Going to therapy can help you ask yourself deeper questions about the roots of your fears. Therapists often use cognitive-behavioral therapy with fearful clients. This helps the client begin to notice the irrational thoughts associated with her fears and replace them with more realistic ones. Treatment for fears and phobias might also include exposure therapy, which is the gradual exposure to a client’s fear while in a safe space moderated by a mental health professional. This could include things like watching videos of your fear, reading about your fear, or even slowly engaging with it yourself. Sounds super scary, I know, but if you find a therapist that you trust and are comfortable with, you can totally conquer this fear.

Do you have fears? How do you deal with them? Comment below!